Safer Sex as Harm Reduction in Kink
By Jenn Prosser
A lot of times, when we think of or talk about safer sex, we tend to focus on the physical or action-oriented parts of safer sex: birth control, barriers, and STBBI testing and treatment. While these are all extremely important to consider, we don’t always connect the foundation of informed consent to those safer sex actions.
Informed consent is the hottest, and I would even say the kinkiest, part of sex. Without descriptive communication and informed consent, sex becomes one-sided and potentially harmful. Incorporating harm reduction practices in kink and BDSM creates the confidence that we have done everything possible to reduce the risk of (nonconsensually) harming someone - especially in sex play that incorporates more risky forms of play.
Pleasure and harm reduction go hand in hand. Talking about fantasies, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, and our personal limitations or no-gos is hot. Being open with current or new partners about our pleasure and how to make us feel really good is really the only way to give and receive maximum pleasure.
If you are someone who prides themselves on their sexual prowess or considers themselves a pretty good lay, then you must be using harm reduction and pleasure principles in your sex play! Right?...
Bodily autonomy is a fundamental of harm reduction and pleasure, but bodily autonomy can mean different things for different people. Confusion is the enemy of pleasure, so let’s get into it.
Bodily autonomy means taking care and responsibility for your well being, and being able to access the care and wellness you need to feel confident in your independent choice. “My body, my choice” is the golden rule. Regardless of what dynamics or power play you bring into your relationships, YOU always have the final and only say about what your body needs. Remember, relationships change and end. We cannot control the choices other people and partner(s) make. The only thing we can control is how we set our own boundaries, exercise our own bodily autonomy, and how we respect the boundaries of others.
Bodily autonomy looks like:
Testing and treating for Sexually Transmitted and Bloodborne Infections (STBBIs):
Being responsible for your health care by routinely accessing testing and treatment for STBBIs and all other transmissible infections. That includes staying up to date on vaccinations and limiting exposure to existing infections. That really does mean everything from taking meds to reduce herpes outbreaks to your yearly flu and COVID vaccinations.
Reproductive Health Care:
Choose and use a birth control that works for you. We are big fans of Nexplanon - a three-year birth control that is in a teeny tiny rod that gets implanted in your arm. This is a progesterone-based birth control - which means it has fewer mood-destabilizing side effects. But, really and truly, the best birth control is the one that works for you!
Emergency contraception, like Plan B or Ella, is a great back-up option, but it is not the most effective. Plan B is only effective in bodies that weigh less than 165 pounds, and Ella is only effective in bodies that weigh less than 195 pounds. The best emergency contraceptive is a copper IUD - that can be inserted into your uterus up to 7 days after potentially unprotected penetrative intercourse.
Reproductive health care always includes abortion health care. Pregnancy is a condition, and becoming a parent is a decision that you commit to for the rest of your life. It is a commitment to care for another human being - with all the complex needs. It is a decision to raise a future adult that will go onto be their own autonomous being. That choice is much greater than a 9 month pregnancy. Abortion health care should always be an option. Abortion health care also includes medical support for folks who have miscarried.
Communicating boundaries and limits:
Good sex is all about good communication. Emotional and physical limitations should always be respected. Being upfront and honest about what you like, don’t like and what your limits and boundaries are is critical to ensure you are not causing harm to yourself or to others. You should also expect that your partner(s) are setting those boundaries and limits too. Having face-to-face open, blunt and honest conversations is the only way to ensure that communication is happening in the most direct way possible.
One of the best parts of kink and BDSM is the playfulness of it. It is about having fun and embracing pleasure! Sex is so much more than penetration. The greatest pleasure organ we have in our bodies is our brains. Your imagination is limitless and sharing your sexy, romantic, kinky thoughts with your partner(s) is a fun way to have open conversations about what you consent to in sex play and what your partner(s) consent to in sex play.
There is no way to read anyone’s mind - so never presume you know what your partner likes or doesn’t like right off the hop. Ask questions. Ask them to describe their fantasies. Then get into the nitty gritty: is it okay to do ____ thing? Are they comfortable with this position? Do they like using restraints? Go to sex shops together and look at the toys - see what you are excited by and what they are excited by. The more you understand your partner(s) comfort level with different aspects of sex play, the better you can centre informed consent into your sex life.
